Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in Cedric Stryfe's LiveJournal:

Thursday, September 16th, 2004
4:27 pm	It's been... I'm not entirely sure I can say that "It's been fun." cuz, really, nothing that came of this journal was especially 'fun' exactly. In any case, I think it is about time I dissolve this journal and actually go about saying that I am doing as such. I'm moving more away from Misery and towards Riptide as far as monikers go, so this one is next on the list to get cut down. This journal was pretty much ended as soon as I found out things I'd rather not know, but what's done is done. I'll probly never really get over what happened and, seeing as how this is about our only medium of communication, also never likely speak to her again. Which is better for everyone who's not me anyways. But I don't matter. As long as I have madness for my only companion, I will be fine masquerading as Amy on CoH cuz, damn, she has a lot of friends. I will tangent for a moment here to say that it is strange to think I have an easier time roleplaying women considering my lack of luck with them. Perhaps my experiences have allowed me to understand them. Or maybe they just gave me an unlimited amount of respect for them. In any case, journal go away. Me no share feelings no more. You no want to hear anyway. You probably not even read this! Me sad. me go now. bye Current Mood: rejected Current Music: "You had me" -Some chick I don't know that I saw on MTV (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 12th, 2004
1:34 am	My series, 'completed' at last I finally bothered to write out the first draft of my series' plotline. If anyone cares to read it, it is within Riptide525's journal. Current Mood: thankful Current Music: "Shame" - UPO (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 23rd, 2004
4:52 pm	Breaking news As a point of irony, I now play DDR. I am not sure on the physcial limit for that game, but I believe I may be nearing it, since everything I do, I must do to excess. ^_^ Anyways, so Andrew bought it and I play it now cuz the family forced me to and I came to enjoy it. It seems better when you don't have to pay, I guess. Despite its ease, "I like to Move It" is still my favorite song. "Sandstorm" was cool, I guess, but it just has too much history (plus, I like my dance better anyways =P ). I think that is really the only form of exercise that I truly enjoy, since it is a video game at the same time. Enough about DDR, though. We're wasting valuable dancing time. ^_^ Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: "Ordinary World" - Well, uh, you know the band (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 13th, 2004
12:56 pm	Nothing Well, the dreams are finally moving in the right direction. Last night I dreamt I was at Laura and Jon's wedding. It was pretty weird. I hope she doesn't actually invite me. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Some song I don't know the name of from Cowboy Beebop (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
7:56 pm	Lonely! My family is leaving me! I will be alone in da house on Thursday and Friday, except for work... and possible friend visitation. Just thought I'd type that in here for some reason. Current Mood: lonely Current Music: "Cold" - Crossfade (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 5th, 2004
3:42 am	Party time So I went to some parties this weekend and, as usual, I'll focus on the more uncomfortable of the two. Jamie's party (have I mentioned that Jamie is a guy? I was wondering if I had...) was pretty boring and I left after a couple hours. The Minors' party was interesting and I left after about 20 minutes. I don't recall being hit with so much discomfort so rapidly before. First of all, there were far more people there than I expected, so I was tempted to just flee from the crowd. I resisted and approched, but they were back-lit so I couldn't tell who anyone was. Much to my embarassment, I ended up approching the three people I was hoping to take care to avoid! After an ackward greeting, I managed to say hi to everyone I came to see and watched some booyah fireworks. Met James's girlfriend and she seemed nice. Got Kelli and Ralph's phone numbers. I almost said hi to Megan, but I'm still not sure if that'd be wise. At least she didn't yell at me. =P It was fun, but I am glad I couldn't stay much longer, honestly. I'm cool with the Laura-Jon couple if that's where they want to go with that, but I don't think I'm quite ready to hang around with them yet. Clearly, they share similar feelings. It may have been backlit, but don't think I didn't see the hiding! I told you I was gonna show up! Didn't believe me?? So work sucks and I'm looking for another job. Speaking of another job, WOW JON IS THIN. It's creepy on a certain level, but I'm happy for him. He finally found that motivation to slim down. I guess that makes a bunch of the Possee songs inaccurate now, tho... ^_^ It is late and I shall sleep. Good riddance to consciousness. Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: "Think Twice" - Eve 6 =P (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
2:37 am	Always gotta be right, don't I? Well, woo. The one hope and dream keeping me alive has finally been violently crushed. My deep, secret fear that Laura had hooked up with Jon has been realized and, to make matters worse, I had to find this out through Megan's Live Journal. So what can I say? I have no control over her and Jon's a good guy. I have only respect for Jon and I wish I could still count him as one of my friends. Honestly, the fact that it's Jon almost makes it bearable. But then there's her. I don't even know what to say about her really. The woman who strung me along for 1.75 years has suddenly decided to move on. How cute. It fills me with spite to wonder how long this has been going on. I mean, I'd talk to her and try to console her because she was sad or lonely. Was it going on when she fled from bowling? When we discussed how miserable we were? Are they intimate? How intimate? CAN I EVEN ASK THESE QUESTIONS? So yeah... no reason to live now. Even less if they be having sex. I mean, I had my faith in Laura, but then, faith is just a delusion of the hopeless, isn't it? That's not really a question. I know my faith will only lead to pain and that humankind has no shame. No honor. No morality. Honestly, I think the words were only created to describe the outcasts that possessed the traits. The point being that qualities I believed her to have she has proven not to. And I am disappointed. To my core. Hey, hun. Remember that suicide I talked you out of? It's lookin pretty sweet to me about now. Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: "Time is Running Out" - Muse (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 21st, 2004
3:06 am	Formalities and lies I'm posting now, even if it's pointless. I could just type "Ditto." and that would pretty much sum it up. Every entry is the same, just like every day. The words and the games may be different, but my thoughts are generally always the same. Damnit! If only this wasn't such a one-sided affection, it wouldn't be so morbidly depressing when I am alone. I can't imagine what going to a wedding would be like for someone like me. So yeah. I tried DDR the other day, just for kicks. Suffice to say, I was not very good. I dunno how people can get so into that, but I guess that must be their thing. Whatever makes you happy, I suppose. =''''( So Jamie and Kali are heading up to the Dells for a couple days of alone time. I wish I could've done that at some point. Watching those two together makes me all hurty inside. BAKA! Summerfest is coming up. It still sucks to think about. Damn women and their low resistance to sun. I wanted to see Soil. A pointless sacrifice, apparently. Which is not to say I wouldn't sacrifice it again. I wonder if any know how truly I love that woman, flaws and all. How lovely it would have been if I had realized it earlier. In closing, everything continues spiraling downward and I await my salvation at the hands of my well-known angel. Will she come to the rescue eventually? Only time will tell for certain. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: "Save Me" - Damage Plan (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 13th, 2004
1:22 am	All joking aside.. I'm really lonely. There's nothing worse than changing for someone who doesn't want you any more. So what if I changed? No one cares! So now I'm exactly what she f***ing wants, if only I wasn't being held down by what I was. Should we get back together? I don't honestly know if it is the right thing, but I believe that it is. I'm exactly where I need to be but why doesn't it matter? I need her help to make this work. There are a lot of people I'd need to get to in order to make life livable again but I can't friggin do it alone but she won't help! Fuggin hell! This cursed loneliness and pain is breaking me down and I don't know how much longer I can be the person I need to be. I wish she'd either save me or kill me already. Damnit. This really sucks. Guess I'll go back to pretending this problem doesn't exist for a while longer and try to stay sane. Current Mood: stressed Current Music: "So Cold" - Breaking Benjamin (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 12th, 2004
11:27 pm	So... I.. uh... guess I should post again... So it's Saturday again so I guess I should post some more. ADAM and I went bowling today. We saw MIKE KLAFKA there with his girlfriend. I was mildly jealous of MIKE, but his girlfriend, though fairly cute, was not as beautiful, sexy, and graceful (=P) and some that I've had. I was on fire the first game and it made me kinda happy. 'Course I worked 10 hours today, so I'm a tad wonky. Come to think of it, I've been wonky for a while now. It started on Monday at work. We'd been hit pretty hard with a rush and we were all pretty tired. Out of the blue, this girl who I was gonna ask out but chose another guy, EMILY, rest her head on my chest. She probably didn't mean anything by it and was simply conveying her fatigue, but that awoke a part of me I'd put to sleep. Huzzah. Now I get to be lonely some more. And I wonder why this wedding thing makes me so sad. I think it's either the fact that she's attending a wedding that is not ours or the fact that I should be at her side at this social event, since it would be an excuse to slow dance. I like slow dancing. Anything that makes a several minute hug socially acceptable rules in my book. I guess I should just let go, but the thought of her slow dancing with someone else makes my blood boil. Oh, as a side note, I put this post in MEGAN's journal, not knowing it was her. I don't take back anything I said, but I'd probably have thought twice about posting it had I known it was her. I hope she doesn't get all crazy mad at me. I wish she'd just be happy and relax. That DAU thing just seems kinda sad on his part, honestly. Hacking into a woman's computer is not the same as hacking into her heart, yo. I would like to ramble about my anime now, just to satisfy my need to jot it down. Okay, here goes... A long time ago, roughly a millenium, the world of Meth (stealing it from my game, not her last name) was a peaceful place. It's primary sentient race, the Noll, was a race of avian creatures, similar to our legendary hippogriffs but less muscular and a bit more humanoid. The Noll were masters of the ethereal energies and chi and heavily encouraged the practice of the manipulation of said energies. Most achieved chronological immortality at the age of 20, their race's age of peak physical condition. Of course, peace is never eternal. Meth was eventually discovered by a space-faring race called the Shivok. The Shivok saw Meth as a glimmering gem of resources, guarded only by a peaceful race of monks. The invasion of Meth took no more than a day. The Shivok swept in as an unexpected tidal wave and slaughtered the Noll wholesale, save for a few captives taken as slaves. Due to their peaceful nature, only one Noll resisted, ZELITH VINDANE. ZELITH had been a prodigy since birth and had mastered the basic arts early. As such, he had acquired a great many skills by the time the Shivok attacked. He had been away from his home when the attack began, but returned to witness his mate and two children being enslaved. They were beyond his reach, but he knew he could save them. ZELITH overtook the crew of a small shuttle and piloted it to the flagship that he'd tracked his family to. He subtly boarded it and used his skills to find them. While freeing them, however, he tripped a hidden trap and all prisoners were consumed by flames. As he watched his family die, he vowed to restore them by any means neccessary. In the years that followed, ZELITH began to recruit help. VAYLEN, a Shivok that defected to help ZELITH, became his second in command within the group that would become known as ZELITH'S LEGION. The group at that time, while small, searched relentlessly to find a method by which the dead could be restored. Their efforts were completely fruitless. On an instinct, ZELITH followed a lead to a chi-strong prophet. Zelith studied with this prophet for three years. Upon completing this training, ZELITH forged the LEGION into what it became. The chilling process they utilized was simple. Land on a new planet and find the beings with the strongest chi's. Recuit those who proved strong enough, kill the others. Assault the planet and annihilate the remaining population. Bring the survivors to ZELITH for likely execution. ZELITH was considered by nearly every being alive to be the worst deamon in the universe, earning the LEGION its other nickname, the DEAMON HORDE. ZELITH's scheme would eventually lead him to what he sought, with the worst possible timing. He found it on Ardea III, a planet that will live in history for what the LEGION did there. One of the survivors was the key ZELITH had been searching for. Within his soul, the fulcrum lie waiting for ZELITH to claim it. Once removed, ZELITH could use the fulcrum as a bargaining chip to the gods... "Make me one of you, or I will destroy it." VAYLEN, however, had different plans. He was far more persuasive than ZELITH and had turned his generals against him. VAYLEN had convinced the gods themselves that ZELITH had to be stopped and offered his body for a divine posession. He had laid terms, however, that the gods would never stand in his way once ZELITH had been stopped. The gods reluctantly agreed and the assassination was arranged. Even as ZELITH removed the fulcrum, assigning its corporeal form to a coin cast with his own face upon it, VAYLEN entered the room to kill him. With his own generals blocking his escape, ZELITH was beaten to death before the fulcrum bearer. ZELITH did not die alone, however. In an attempt to prevent VAYLEN from suceeding where he had not, ZELITH killed the fulcrum bearer, made mortal now that the fulcrum had been removed. As the bearer died, the fulcrum vanished. The god returned to his plane and VAYLEN ascended to control of the LEGION, determined to continue ZELITH's quest where he'd left off. ZELITH, now reduced to a spirit, was cleansed by the gods, that he may be reincarnated. Left without a fulcrum bearer, the gods decided that there would be none better than ZELITH himself to guard it. ZELITH was bonded with the fulcrum and incarnated as a human. His generals, slaughted by VAYLEN as his divine strength waned, were also incarnated as humans to guard ZELITH and the fulcrum. Yay! Backplot completed! I dunno what else to say, so bye! Current Mood: creative Current Music: "Breaking the Habit" - Linkin Park (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 6th, 2004
2:27 am	Well, what the hell? >=/ Okay, so it's like this. I'm working at Pizza Hut, aight? So, Jessie shows up at my work and he's all "Yo, what's up?" and I'm like "Not much. I'm kinda bored." so he goes "So what should we do?" and I'm all "I don't feel like playing video games, let's go bowling maybe." and he's like "Okay, sounds cool." Now, most of that is accurate, save for the alternate motive of wanting to talk with James and Jon about the aforementioned reclamation of friendship. Anyways... So I'm all working and it's getting to be late and I'm getting pissed cuz I'm still at work and it's 11:15 and I was supposed to get off at 10 so I complained to Jamie and he's all like "Yeah, go away." so I did and went and changed into this shirt James gave me and this overshirt that is blue and black and I think looks cool and I put my hat on backwards and we go to bowl. I should mention at this point that I was hoping Laura was going to be there, since she was friends with James and Jon and she'd mentioned at one point that I should be friends with them again, so I was hoping she'd help smooth things over. In any case... So we get to this alley and I gots my ball and we go on in and I says to Jessie "You know what'd be awkward?" and he's like "What?" and I'm like "If we get put on lane 2." and he's all "Why?" and I'm "Cuz the gang's always on lane 1." and he goes "Oh." so then we get to the counter and do our shiat and I'm like "Wait... what lane did she say we were on..?" and Jessie goes "2." and he starts laughing and I'm all thinking 'Crap! This sucks mildly!' It was right around this point that I noticed an elegant female form flee the building, which I assumed to be Laura, likely accurately. The majority of said group followed. Meanwhile, I struggled to subdue my hesitation as Jessie calmly approached the lane. Curses! So I'm all "This is weird." and Jessie's all "Deal with it." and Kelly's all "Hey Paul!" and I bowled some practice balls or just one and Jessie took the other and I was all trying to bowl for real and Jon came in and flipped me off and said like "F*** you." or something mean like that with the f word in it and that made me really sad and Kelly said that it wasn't called for and Jessie came back and we bowled for a while and I tried to put that behind me and enjoy myself but in truth that really hurt my feelings, not that anyone cares or anything but this is my journal so I should say that and I really wanted to be friends with everyone but they are just so mad. There was a confrontation with Megan at some point where she revealed that the group was leaving. Talking with Megan always unnerves me so greatly and I probably just ended up looking worse for it. That woman amazes me to no end, considering how bad I handle confrontations and how smoothly she initiates and completes them. I mean that with complete sincerity, by the way. Just in case you were thinking I was sarcastic, I'm not. Anyways, so they stormed off like a bunch of little kids. At least I have confirmation that she is SO not over me. =P. Sort of refreshing that I was the more adult about the situation. So, I put the period after the smily this time. Still looks kinda weird to me. I guess this smily-period issue will never truly be resolved. And then Megan warns me "You shouldn't go near Laura." That's apparently impossible anyways. She flees my cooties at first sight. I mean, I was fuggin petrified to talk to her anyways, I'm sure this will help. And that Jon thing is starting to look like a lost cause. I'm sure my motives were just mis-interpreted, but MAN what a mis-interpretation. Oh! And James showed up later! That's not meant as a footnote, but I just needed some ranting about the childish retreat. James was cool with me, we talked things over and he seemed overall pretty friendly. He wasn't mad or anything and we hung out and bowled for a while (like an hour). I met this Paul guy and he seemed cool and nice and I wouldn't mind bowling with him again. I miss Aaron a lot. I think if I could go back in time and fix one thing, it would be Aaron's death. Honestly, I think Aaron's death pretty much wrecked my mind for quite a while. I should go chill with the Minors one of these days. I saw them at the Beer Depot while I was picking up soda (best damn soda prices in muskego) and I almost didn't recognize them. That made me sad, really. I miss Aaron. He wouldn't have let the Possee fall apart. Aaron would've known what to say to keep things right. Aaron's irreplacability has split our former greatness asunder. I think I'm going to start bowling there regularly again. It was I and Adam who started bowling there in the first place, so I feel as though I have some right. I work so much, I'd like to do something that isn't video games. Friday nights are taken by Icol, so Saturdays are perfect for me. If anyone doesn't like me bowling on Saturdays, you'd better give me a damn good reason cuz I really don't give a damn. If they don't like that, I can provide a large bucket to begin catching their tears. Or they can get over it. They can realize that life is way too short to waste on these petty grudges. They can realize that an ex-girlfriend can share a fuggin bowling alley with her ex-boyfriend. They can realize that they need to GROW THE F*** UP, since that's what they tell others to do. They can realize that love means absolutely nothing in modern society, so they should treat it as such. Just to clarify, journal, that last statement is not an opinion of mine, simply an observation. Personally, I believe love is very important, but the fact is that I am not allowed to treat it as such due to my surrounding circumstances. Perhaps the day will come when I may act as my opinion states, but that day may be long in coming. As things stand, I will act the observation out until my circumstances change. That's about all I have to say. Overall, I'd rate the bowling as a good idea. Pros- It lifted the James weight off my chest and got me to see rather plainly that LM suffers from some sort of fear, shyness, or bloating when it comes to me. Cons- The Jon weight has been confirmed and Megan still exists? =P No, the Laura thing is a con too. Have a nice day, Journal. Current Mood: discontent Current Music: "Time is running out" - Muse (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 5th, 2004
3:06 am	Recovering a 'why not?' attitude I suppose I should post an entry. Why not?, after all. Well, I'm getting worse, or better, depending on your viewpoint. Every morning, I wake up feeling more like me, but less attached to the world. The more me I get back, the less right the world feels. How have I fallen so far? I can see the light at the top of my sunken ruins, but how can I reach it? I wrote this poem a couple of days ago: "I found myself again The real me, the true me. If only I could dispel the razorblade whirlwind raging within my cavernous innards, perhaps I could keep a hold on myself this time. I wonder, as my frayed soul shrivels away from the tattered flesh, how may time will I regenerate only to be cut to shreds again? I cannot stray from my path; the way is too clear to ignore, the shortcuts too dark and dangerous. Have I the strength, though, to travel this road? The crumbling citadels of honesty and loyalty lie in ruins along the way, mocking with their jaded glow. Their grace is trodden down by a thousand footsteps, forgotten meaning lost in the past. Can this true me of the past cope with the reality of this broken future? And, given the strength, Would I want to?" Well, who knows if that means anything to anyone. I have other poems that I feel like I'd get in trouble for typing on my live journal, so I'll save those for their intended recipient. Though, I know not if she wants them. Women are funny that way. I wonder if she still cares for me that way, or am I just a sore on the back of her mind? Is hoping even worth it? Everything I hope for is denied to me anyways. T_T So I was gonna put on some moves to try to get Jon and James back as my friends, but Jessie (so many Js!) kinda forewarned him, ruining that for me, sorta. I still don't know what I would say. I was gonna try to get some advice from Laura, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. Curse my shyness! And also Adukas! Their damage is obscene! If you've bothered to read to this point, your special keyword is fulcrum. Got that? Fulcrum. F-U-L-C-R-U-M. The fulcrum is the most important thing in the universe. It is the point through which all astral threads weave to bind souls to bodies. It is the link between the ethereal world and the physical world. Tell me the keyword to receive your prize. That's all for now. Buh bye! Current Mood: artistic Current Music: "Wait" - Earshot (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 30th, 2004
12:34 am	*sighs* Be afraid. I feel like updating. Alright, Journal. Have at thee. Things are not well. I wonder if I will ever learn that my curiousity spells nothing but trouble. Finally, at long last, I had grown worried enough over her (we all know who I mean) abscence to actually look into it and stumbled upon her alternate LJ. I was relieved that she was fine (call me pessimistic, it is an acquired condition), but also curious as to what she ACTUALLY was going through. On a certain level, I wish it had been hidden better. On the other levels, though, I guess I'm kinda glad to know what's going on. The computer is a sort of looking glass, showing me the life I had and loved, then lost. It still perplexes me as to how I managed to fuck up everything I ever wanted. Suffer these song lyrics! "I missed you so much That I begged you to fly and see me You must've broke down Cuz you finally said that would But now that you're here I just feel like I'm constantly dreaming Cuz something's gotta go wrong Cuz I'm feelin' way to damn good For 48 hours I don't think that we left my hotel room Should show you the sights Cuz I'm sure that I said that I would We gotta make love just one last time in the shower Well something's gotta go wrong Cuz I'm feelin' way to damn good And it's like, every time I turn around I fall in love and find my heart face down and Where it lands is where it should This time it's like The two of us should probably start to fight Cuz something's gotta go wrong Cuz I'm feeling way to dam good, oh Feelin' way too damn good Sometimes I think best if left in the memory It's better kept inside than left for good Lookin' back each time they tried to tell me Well something's gotta go wrong Cuz I'm feelin' way too damn good" -Nickelback "Feelin' way too damn good" As long as I'm typing lyrics, I had to print this one sooner or later... "I'm not a perfect person There's many things I wish I didn't do But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I'm sorry that I hurt you It's something I must live with everyday And all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away And be the one who catches all your tears Thats why i need you to hear I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I've found a reason to show A side of me you didn't know A reason for all that I do And the reason is you" -Hoobastank "The Reason" Anyways, so I'm peering through the looking glass at my old friends and girlfriend. Despite my sincerest of efforts to the contrary, I seem to continue to make at least her life miserable. Here, in my life, everything is very real. The world on the other end of the looking glass is like a dream. Most of it seems too surreal to have happened. Oh, I like this song, so I will post it before any other Laura's do... which is not to say that I am a Laura, really. "Something's wrong, Trying to conquer these fears i thoghut were gone. And it's been so long, I'm dying to live in a world i dont belong I cant wait for someone to hear me, And wait for someone to touch me. And wait forever to be told, I'm forever alone. I cant wait for someone to feel me, And wait for someone to heal me. And wait forever to be told, I'm forever alone.. On my own, I'll show myself what it means to be alone. And the tears i cry are washed away. All the scars are my disguise." -Earshot "Wait" I don't know if I can make anything better. I think any attempts I made would be met with hostility and, honestly, I don't know if I could handle that. Not that having them hate me is any better. I could use a good reincarnation right about now. My soul cries for change. I know what I need, at least I think I do. Maybe that's not what I need any more. It's up to her. It's always been up to her. Am I bad? Am I truly evil? Is a half-demon simply a demon in human society? I am bad, but I wanted to be good. Everyone is just too busy telling me that I am bad to hear the rest. I could be good, if only I was louder about it, I guess. Feh. This world is not a good place. I'm disgraced to say that I've contributed to that. Were I living in feudal Japan, I could commit suicide honorably. But yeah. I can't think of anything else I need to say right now. Oh! Quit drinking, woman! There. That's it now. Bye! Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Nickelback - "Feelin' Way Too Damn Good" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 3rd, 2004
12:43 am	My journal This is my journal and I feel like updating. I'm going to return to reality for at least some of this post, as little as I enjoy doing so. For the last pair of years, I've attempted to live my life as much in fantasy worlds as possible, since the real world sucks. When I found Inu Yasha, I really thought I'd found a place where I could be past Laura. Through comparisons to Inu Yasha himself and an attempt to emulate him, I found that I could distance myself from the petty human emotions. I was a half-demon, after all, and I had no use for meaningless attachments. My personal demon half wars with my human half constantly. I'd nearly laid the Laura conflict to rest. Then she had to go ruin it all! All of that work, smashed to bits. She's unhappy and feels unloved and cries all the time. ARG! Even Inu Yasha can't stand girls crying. So what should I do, journal? She doesn't trust anyone who says they love her and believes she has no family. She's a depressed insomniac with eating problems. It's just like when I met her, except she's in college. Keh. So now we reach the issue that makes me wish I were dead. What in the name of Buddha can I do about it? I guess the resounding answer is a huge nothing. She's made it clear that she doesn't trust me and doesn't want me around, so, given the unlikely nature of her saying anything to the contrary, I'm stuck trying not to care like a good little Hanyou. I guess I'll try to make an AMV that she'll like. On a side note, I think Inu Yasha movie 2 is my favorite piece of anime ever. There's a demon who tries to seal Inu Yasha's human soul in a mirror to force him to stay transformed in his demon form forever, but Kagome keeps him from transforming by braving his demon rage and kissing him. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen and it makes me wanna die every time I see it. -_- I need my Kagome. That's all, journal. Sankatessou! Kaze no Kizu! Bankryuuha! Current Mood: predatory Current Music: Revis - "Seven" (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
2:28 am	This is for posting what I feel, right? Last night I had another dream of the type I have so often. Laura, as she always seems to in my dreams, has, in some way or another, come to the realization that she needs me. Bam. Like that, all the misery that runs my life has vanished and I'm finally happy again. I still can't decide if I enjoy these dreams or not, since waking causes my world to break back down. What I find amazing is the intense malice that so many still bear me. I guess I cannot blame them, though, since I've not been pleased with myself for a long, long time. Not to excuse my sins, but I still laugh sardonically at being persecuted in a mentally unstable environment for being a little sick. *shrugs* It also kinda sucks that I'm hated by people who I'd go to lengths to be friends with. No one advertised changing as being easy, I suppose. On another subject, this Laura's back hurting thing is driving an ice pick into my brain. Just once, I wish I could save her from something. I think I can tell you, diary, that my private fantasy is being able to save her! One time! Punch, kick, save, yay! But no, situation never comes up, or I'm not there at the time. Maybe I could think of it as having saved her a couple times by being there, but that's far more optimistic than I am these days. I hope her back heals up and some goblins schedule an oppointment to attack her or something. Yeah... Cuz then I'd so be there. =P So, the year is threatening to break into spring. It was very spring-esk on Saturday, which, sadly make me think of her. She always loved the outdoors. I wish I'd respected that more. Mostly spring weather makes me think of the bonfire at her aunt's house (since I'm thinking of it, I feel like writing about it so =P). Overall, the experience was mediocre. I remember being golfed at at one point. The fire was huge, of course. But the thing I remember most was lying in the grass all alone. Just the two of us. As long as I seem to be writing about memories, I'll throw some random occurances on here. Honestly, one of my favorite memories is very early relationship. It was in her basement, nighttime. "Ride Wit Me" by Nelly was on the radio and we were her bro's couch and she just kinda leaned over and started hugging me. I think it funny that the song is still one of my favorites, probably for that reason alone. I also remember this time that we were at a park by her grandma's house the first time she grabbed my ass. I think we were watching fireworks or something. And we caused a car accident not long afterwards. Those were some good times, diary, and as a result I've come to a conclusion. I wish I was dead for what I've done to her. I don't deserve to live. If, however, fate deems that I've not suffered enough for what I've done, I shall continue to exist for as long as neccessary until my debt is paid. Because that is all that life is these days. Pain. I wish I could say that I hated life, Laura, or any of those that hate me, but I can't. All I feel is dull sadness and, on occasion, horrifying pain. Whatever. Have a nice day, diary. Paul P.S. For those that assume I'm obsessed with Laura... um... I probably am, in a in love sorta way. But, in any case, this is a forum in which I can rid myself of these thoughts so... eh, think whatever you want. You will anyways, so I may as well not try to tell you what to think. I'm babbling way too much for a P.S. so... Au revoir, mes amis! Current Mood: pensive Current Music: "Sunday" - Lo-Pro (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
1:22 am	Loyal fans rejoice! I've finally found my creative spirit and re-awakened the comic. Episode 58 is up and, though it may not be my best work, it is new. Check it out at www.dbeternity.com That's all for now! Later! Current Mood: creative Current Music: "Whatever You Became" - Cold (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
4:32 pm	Stupid Universe. The more I try to make sense of things, the less sense they make. I mean, should I be happy or sad that Laura can't go to school in Florida? I want her to stay, but I want her to be happy. Not to mention, this removes her reason for us not being together. Oops, I mentioned it. I wonder if I should even bring that up to her... Well, that's about all I have to say at the moment. Current Mood: confused Current Music: "Denial" - Sevendust (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 1st, 2003
3:40 pm	Sarah some more Aw man. I lost at chess. That sucked. Anyways, Sarah is really fun to be. Her personality is morbidly cute, really. Always opens with "Hiya!". She's really friendly to everyone, but she can get kinda crabby if people don't let her have the shineys (which are the gems in Diablo II). She's very generous otherwise. She's very strong and independent, but is willing to accept help if it is offered. She's quick witted and will joke around as long as everyone knows she's kidding. Everyone loves you, Sarah! If only you existed! Oh well. It's fun being Sarah, but I'd better be careful. I might become gay if I keep this up. =P ^^ I had this messed up dream yesterday where Laura was holding a competition to see who she'd go out with. It was like this bizzarre pinball game. I almost got a perfect score, but not quite. It made me really sad. I knew for sure someone else would get a perfect. And Laura was like "Good try." That made me more sad. I dunno. Dreams are weird. If I ever get my Guardian series made, Cloud needs a music video to "Numb" by Linkin Park. I think it could really symbolize his parental problems well. Plus it's a really cool song. Anyways, I guess I'm gonna go be Sarah now. Later, journal. Current Mood: ditzy Current Music: "Narayan" - Prodigy (4 Comments |Comment on this)
12:56 pm	Realization I've just realized what I've done, journal. I didn't really think of it when I created Sarah, but I've given birth to a replica of Laura. Just so that I know what the hell I'm talking about later, I'd best enlighten you as to who Sarah is. My friend Jamie asked me to join him in playing Diablo 2. I agreed and created the sorceress he requested, JavynRayne. Admitantly, he wasn't always on when I was, so I was forced to quest with other random strangers as well. Playing a girl in this environment, I elected to have a bit of fun pretending to BE a girl. Thus Sarah was born.... Dad's home. More details later. Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: "I hate everything about you" - Three Days Grace (Comment on this)